I am continuing to think aloud about this theme of walking in the light as believers. My first post focused on the general idea of walking in God’s light. This one will look more closely at what that looks like in our relationship with ourselves. In the earlier post I wrote that it is possible to be very good morally and religiously and to still be in complete darkness spiritually. At first, that might not seem possible to you. But let me illustrate:

Imagine a situation where a friend or spouse is angry or hurt about something you have done, whether you know it or not. This person is hurt and angry with you, but they just pretend that they are fine. Imagine it is extremely difficult for this person to open up and talk about hurt. So, they try really hard to be nice and act like things are fine, and they smile a lot and act politely toward you. However, inside, they are still nursing a grudge. And at some point, along comes something that ruffles their feathers too much, and their cover is blown. They can’t be nice anymore, and they explode or pout or ignore you.

Do you think that this person was walking in the light while he/she was acting nicely toward you but angry on the inside? I guess it depends. But if this person was not admitting their hurt and anger even to themselves, I would definitely say no. They were walking in darkness. They were refusing to see themselves the way they truly are, and because they were unwilling to face the truth about where they were personally, they were also unable to be authentic in their relationship with the one who offended them, hence the pretending everything is fine. This is walking in darkness.

The place to start coming into the light is by doing so with yourself. To be willing to see yourself as you really are, rather than how you would like to be or how you pretend to be around others. This can be a painful process, to be willing to have the light shine on your inner thoughts and feelings and ambitions and motivations. However, when we remember that we are loved, that the Light is Love, this changes everything. We do not need to fear shame. The One who made us knows us well. The things that are hidden even to ourselves, are known intimately by Him. And he is the one who told the one without sin to cast the first stone.

But, you might ask, what in the world does it mean to walk in the light? First of all, we need to remember we are not required to somehow make our own light and shine it on ourselves. This is not some type of depressing self interrogation and introspection. It is simply and beautifully walking into the light of God’s presence that is already there, and to allow the real you to be seen. It is his job to shine, and it is his love for you that will expose places of darkness in you and then cover you with his love in those places.

Here is an example from my own messy life. A few years ago, there was someone in my life I was really struggling with. Our personalities clashed, and it was difficult for me to get along with this person on the inside. I acted (and rightly so) really nice toward them, but inside me, there were lots of things constantly getting on my nerves. Walking in the light with myself meant for me to be able to admit this to myself in God’s presence. Over and over. For me, there were months of trying to talk honestly with God about my heart. There were many journal entries about how hard this was for me. There was much pleading with God to change my heart and give me love for this person.

And over time that happened. To some extent anyway. I don’t want to give the impression that things are peachy now, but over time, walking in light has brought about some real change in my heart toward this person. That would not have happened if I simply tried hard to be nice and covered up the irritation in my heart, pretending it was not there. I would have become more hard-hearted, rather than growing in love.

1 John 1:5-7 is key. Verse 7 says, “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”

I have loved this song from Charlie Peacock for many years. Check it out here:

I keep trying to find a life
On my own, apart from you
I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do
What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a saviour

CHORUS
I wanna be in the light as you are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Lord be my light and my salvation
All I want is to be in the light of love
All I want is to be in the light

The disease of the self runs through my blood
Like a cancer fatal to the soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring the sickness under control

(Chorus)

CHORUS 2
I wanna be in the light as you are in the light
Lead me into the presence of the Father
I will follow right behind, true love will find
All I want is to be in the light of love
All I want is to be in the light

Is there such a thing as a man of peace?
If there is, then a man of peace I want to be
I will need your help if I'm ever to be that
If i'm to lay down, lay down, lay down
Then I'll lay my life for my brothers and sisters
I will need your help, Jesus I need your light
Forever shining bright

There is a whole bucket load of Junie B. Jones’ books by Barbara Park, and they are hilarious. I can’t believe I never knew about them. My nextdoor neighbor changed that the other day by giving us some old paperback copies. We’ve been addicted ever since. Junie B. Jones is, well let’s say, a spunky, precocious, curious, honest kindergartner. She is always getting herself into every possible sort of pickle.

Even more entertaining are the audio books read by Lana Quintal. She does an amazing job of making these stories even funnier. You can order them here, or just do like I did and check some out from your library. The stories are so delightful to listen to, and the car rides are much more bearable. (i.e. less hair-pulling and scream-fighting on the way home from places when the you-know-who’s are tired and grumpy.) The books are great fun to read aloud as well. My kids are even quoting some of the quirky sayings and using some of Junie B’s mannerisms.

Here is a sample from Junie B. Jones and some Sneaky Peeky Spying:

Spying is when you be very quiet. And you look at people through a peeky hole or a crack or something.

I am a very good spier.

That’s because I have sneaky feet. And my nose doesn’t whistle when I breath.

Last Friday morning at Grampa Miller’s house, I hided in the dirty clothes hamper. Then my grampa came in the bathroom. And I lifted up the lid a teeny bit. And I peeked my eyes at him.

And guess what?

Grampa Miller took his whole teeth right out of his head! That’s what!

I popped right out of the hamper!

“HEY! GRAMPA! HOW DID YOU DO THAT CRAZY THING!” I hollered.

Then my grampa screamed very loud. And he runned out of the bathroom speedy quick.

Grampa Miller has high blood pressure, I think.

I you, like me, didn’t know about these gifts of laughter, or you just haven’t read them to your kids, go. Now! Get some! Hurry!

I love thinking about the verse in 1st John that talks about coming into the light. It has become a word picture and a truth that I return to often when I need a bit of a “soul check.” And since I am currently revisiting this truth, I have decided to mull it over on here, and to share a few posts on the subject. First of all, just the idea of walking in the light. . .

John 3:19-21 is worth reading. Verse 21 states, “But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.”

1 John 1:5-7 is also key. Verse 7 says, “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”

Think with me about what this really means. I don’t know about you or where you are coming from. But with my own story, there has been a great deal of moralizing in my Christian journey. Growing up, I probably heard a million sermons, lessons, and devotions about how walking in the light means to be good and do the right things. You know, “This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine.” For me, this is my default mode. It is what I can so easily return to if I do not work against it.

Ironically, it is possible to be very good morally and religiously and to be in complete darkness spiritually. Also, without the freedom this truth brings, many genuine believers are striving uselessly to correct their behavior or to get with the program and finally get it right.

This being “do-gooders”, this moralizing, this try-hard gospel is not at all what Jesus or his dear friend John was saying in these passages! Think about this with me a minute. Walking in the light means just that. Walking in the light. Contrast any memories you might have of a spelunking trip into a dark cave to those of a sun-filled beach or a brightly lit banquet hall. The light is not our good deeds. The light is Jesus. To walk in the light is to let him shine on us, the real us, the one that really exists in the real-life world of our families, jobs, neighborhoods, and friendships. The one who would sometimes rather hide out in that dark cave.

Psalm 4:6 says, “Let the light of your face shine on us.” There is a gorgeous song based on this scripture which we had sung on our wedding day as we knelt in prayer. Read the words and listen to a clip from the song “Shine on Us.”

(Lyrics by Phillips Craig And Dean)

Lord, let Your light, light of Your face
Shine on us (repeat)
That we may be saved
That we may have life
To find our way in the darkest night
Let your light shine on us.
Lord, let your grace, grace from Your hand,
Come over us (repeat)
That we may be saved
That we may have life
To find our way in the darkest night
Let Your grace come over us.
Lord, let Your love, love with no end
Fall on us (repeat)
That we may be saved,
That we may have life
To find our way in the darkest night
Let Your love fall on us,
Let Your light shine on us.

Join me in asking the Father to shine the light of his face on us. In the near future, I will be pondering aloud more of what this looks like in our relationships with ourselves, our God, and each other.

A few years ago a dear friend sent me a card with this inscription on it: “A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and sings it back to you when you forget the words.”

This soul sister of mine was telling me that I am that kind of friend for her. The truth is that I am rich with friends of that kind. Think about it - to have someone know the song in your heart. Wow. Someone who sees you and knows you, someone who “gets” you deep down, and who loves to listen to the song your life sings. To even have one friend of that caliber in a lifetime would be a blessing that many do not experience. And I can say I have been blessed with a handful.

One of them sang the song back to me today, when I had forgotten the words. I woke up to a full day ahead, and I was already weary from a long week. As I went to check my email, I found one from a kindred spirit from my college days. She reminded me of a Psalm I had shared with her years ago. Within Psalm 46 is a lovely, warm, sweet, and powerful verse, which had spoken deeply to me many years earlier in my story. During that time, though I do not even remember this, I had shared with this friend the meaningfulness of this Psalm, and I had sung a song to her by the same title.

Verse 4 says, “There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.” Oh, how glorious - there really is a river. That river is Jesus. He makes us glad. This friend reminded me of these beautiful verses today, but more importantly, she reminded me of the song in my own heart, the song that had spoken that Psalm to her years ago. Here are some of her words to me:

I'll never forget one time when you were telling me about the meaning
of Psalm 46 and sang the song....
it was so precious, so real, so comforting and yet, powerful too.
I want to say you were a flight attendant at that time? Anyway, I
just remember that I felt God's presence in such a sweet way and that
song and Psalm will always be powerful and sweet mixed together:)
So, all that to say.... Psalm 46 and you go together... thank you for
being a refreshment ... a blessing.. to so many.... and for a being a
dear friend.

It was a reminder of the song God has placed in me. And today I felt like anything but a “blessing” or “refreshment to others.” So, this friend remembered the words of that song and she sang them back to me. And the refreshment was mine.

What about you? Do you remember the song in your heart? Do you have friends that sing it back to you when you forget? If not, that would be a great thing to ask for.

I so wish I could play part of the song for you, but it is too old to be available on MP3. (You can check out the old 1992 album called Coram Deo here - the song is called “There is a River.”) And I pray for you today that you will have a friend who remembers the song in your heart and sings it back to you when you forget the words.

Today’s women of wow are all of the female Olympians in the Beijing games. My hats of to each of them. I love the swimming, diving, track, gymnastics, all of it!  I honestly cannot imagine the dedication and determination and sheer discipline it takes to get to that point.

I especially want to highlight one athlete, Dara Torres. She is a 41 year old swimmer, and this summer was her fifth Olympics. I am utterly amazed that she has continued to train her body and continues to swim competitively in her 40’s and as a mother. Amazed.

I never have been a super swimmer, but even if I had been, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t still be in that great shape at my age, and I’m only 38. Nor would I be able to balance all that with the joys and responsibilities of motherhood. I think we are all inspired by her presence in the Beijing Olympics and her wonderful sportsmanship as well. You can read more about Dara Torres on her official website here.

My son and I just this week have again begun our adventure of homeschooling. We are jumping into 2nd grade, and it is both fun and challenging. I use a curriculum by Sonlight, which is heavily literature-based and full of insights into the different cultures and countries of the world. Today we began reading the book Window on the World, which is a prayer guide written for young people to learn about the needs of other children around the world.

We read and looked at pictures of homeless, “street” children in many countries. We read that the number of homeless children in the world is estimated to be between 150 to 200 million. We read how some children live in sewers, in cardboard boxes, and under bridges. We read about how they have to scrounge, fight, and steal to survive. Then we prayed for them. And we thanked God for our blessings of home and family.

All of a sudden my son mysteriously disappeared for a minute or two. He returned with his savings jar, with a few dollar bills wadded up and some loose change. He plopped it onto the table. Then he said simply to me, “I know it’s not much, but I hope it can help some of those children.”

We talked for a bit, and we decided to send it to an orphanage I’ve recently learned about in Kenya. At first I was a bit worried for one so young to learn of such suffering in the world. But I am so thankful for his tender heart, for his desire to give his own money, and for the beginnings of a heart for others. Then I became confident that we need to share these things with our children. That I need to be reminded of this myself. If children this young around the globe are homeless and suffering, we must not protect our own kids to the point that they do not even know about hurting, lonely kids. Who knows how God might use one of our own to touch a life of one of these children so close to the heart of God?

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this; to look after orphans and widows in their distress . . .

Okay, this is just one of those stories I have to tell. It had been a long day, a long week, a looooong summer. I had plans Saturday evening to go to a hotel for the night with some girlfriends to restore some of my sanity and have some good hang time. My dear hubby was out and about before his “evening on.”

For whatever reason, I had HAD it. It might have been that the kids wanted to jump on the trampoline with the sprinkler on, and after a huge ordeal of setting it up for them they did it for five minutes, then came in soaking wet needing to be dried and clothed. It might have been that I had been with them nonstop for days, no - weeks on end. It might have been that I had about 30 minutes left before I was going out, and I wanted to freshen up a bit and get packed without three small people climbing all over me.

Whatever the reason was, I lost it. Lost it completely and lost it bigtime. I yelled at those sweet little guys. Yelled for them to “just leave me alone for 5 minutes, yada, yada, yada.” The three year old was crying. The five year old was hiding (smart girl!). The recently turned eight year old, took off for a bit. Then he returned, bold guy that he is. And he looked at me from inside my closet, half-hiding behind the door. He then took on the counselor role:

“Mom, are you sure you need to go spend the night with your friends? I’m worried about you. I don’t want you to act like this with them.”

Here is another thought on my recent entry regarding whether or not we are supposed to be protecting the reputation of the church. The fact remains clear that the church already has a reputation. The reputation might depend on what particular local church we are talking about. Or if we are thinking about the Christian Church in general, the reputation depends on who holds the opinion.

In other words, in the minds of many people, with whom I might disagree, there already exists a reputation of the church or of Christianity. My desire would not be to protect the reputation of the church, when a certain church or group of Christians has the reputation of being unloving or legalistic or self-righteous. My desire would be to help change that reputation. This would happen, not by showing them a perfect Christian (or a person trying hard to be perfect), but rather by showing them an authentic person who authentically seeks to know the loving, forgiving God of the Scriptures. Part of this authenticity involves admitting when we as the church are struggling to love each other, or when we are prideful, or when we are impotent and worldly. Part of what makes the American Church lack power is our commitment to try harder in the flesh, in our own strength, to prove that we are good.

Amelia Earhart came perhaps before her time,…the smiling, confident, capable, yet compassionate human being, is one of which we can all be proud.”
– Walter J. Boyne

Today’s woman of wow is Amelia Mary Earhart. This likable, spunky young woman made a huge mark on history and on the airline industry. Her brave and adventurous life no doubt has inspired many young women with the confidence to follow their dream to fly, or even go to space. She was born on July 24, 1897 in Atchison, Kansas. When she saw her first plane at age 10, she was not at all impressed, saying, “It was a thing of rusty wire and wood and looked not at all interesting.” However, her first time to go up in a plane, about 10 years later was an entirely different matter. On December 28, 1920, pilot Frank Hawks gave her a ride that would forever change her life. “By the time I had got two or three hundred feet off the ground,” she said, “I knew I had to fly.”

Here are just a few of her achievements. She was the first woman to fly across the Atlantic. She broke the women’s world record in altitude and speed. She was the first person to fly solo from Honolulu to Oakland, California, first woman to fly solo nonstop across the continental United States, and the first person to fly solo from Los Angeles to Mexico City and from Mexico City to Newark.

In June 1937 she began a flight around the world with her navigator Fred Noonan. She made all but 7,000 of the 29,000 miles and then became lost at sea. The exact details of what happened to her may never be known. The United States spent $4 million on a rescue and search attempt, but were never able to locate her or her plane.

“My ambition is to have this wonderful gift produce practical results for the future of commercial flying and for the women who may want to fly tomorrow’s planes.” Amelia without a doubt achieved this ambitious dream of hers.

Much of this information and more can be found at this website.

A couple of months ago I was told by someone I know that I should be more careful about what I write on my blog and that I should be careful to “protect the reputation of the church.” Honestly, I have struggled and thought through this point of view often in the months since this conversation. I still seem to come to the same conclusion I had at that time.

I feel that the Church itself does not need to have its reputation protected. The church is full of imperfect people. The people who make up the church know that. The people who are outside of the Christian church know that too. It seems to me that it is much more helpful to be honest about our struggles both within and without the bounds of our churches, than for us to sugarcoat them with platitudes or pretend that they do not exist. Or maybe worse, for us to try harder not to have the problems we know we have.

After all, why do we need a Savior if we don’t need a Savior? Isn’t that the message of the church? That we are all just as hopeless as everyone else, but that we have found Someone who gives our lives meaning, purpose, and direction? The good news ceases to be good news if we are perfect people who can get our acts together without God. Or if we act like we are. I seem to recall some words from a Galilean carpenter about something similar: “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.”

Furthermore, as I read the Scriptures, I see no evidence that God is concerned about protecting the reputation of his people. He seems to tell stories over and over which include huge character flaws in his beloved kids. Just look at Moses, who told God he really didn’t want to go to Pharaoh and lead his people, Abraham, who lied over and over to protect his own skin, Sarah, who laughed at God’s promise of a child in her old age, David, a murderer and adulterer, Rahab, a prostitute, Peter, who didn’t have the guts to even admit he knew Jesus, and the list goes on and on. For me, this is the beauty of the entire drama of Scripture, that very flawed people like me have a God they can count on, and that this God finds joy in expressing his greatness through mundane lives like mine.

Here is an article that talks about the need many people feel after a period of deep immersement in a church to “detox from church.” The author urges all of us to remember: “People are in detox because they love Jesus and have a vision for being His Body in an advancing Kingdom on this earth.” I guess you can tell from some of my entries that I am one of those people. Therefore, this article meant a lot to me. It reminded me that I am not alone in my struggle to reconcile my place in the church. It helped me to realize there are many others out there where I am and for someone else to validate my love for Christ and his church. It also reiterated the point that this does not mean we are not free to say the hard truths we see in the church.

The article reminds us of our tasks as we detox, as well as mistakes we need to avoid. It was a great reminder and challenge to me as I struggle through this whole thing. Oh, and by the way, people who know me know that I love to tell stories on myself as well, that make me look not-so-hot and hopefully make God look really good, like he is. Here are the highlights from the article:

Task: Recapture a vision for the advancing Kingdom, expressed through the body.
Trap: To get sidetracked into attacking the system, which only breeds ongoing bitterness and contempt for the rest of the body.
Task: Allowing God to refine our attitudes, desires, and assumptions.
Trap: Assuming that the log in our own eye doesn’t exist.
Task: For leaders and disillusioned people to walk through this process with some graciousness and long-suffering.
Trap: To separate into increasingly polarized and finger-pointing camps.

Perhaps the biggest task for established churches and newer, de-structured communities (house or coffeehouse), and individuals (like me) will be to remember that this is ultimately God’s thing. It’s His Bride we’re talking about here. God is fully aware of the state the Bride is in. He’s more proactive, loving, and desirous of Her being healthy and attractive than any of us are capable of being. The trap we need to avoid is to let this whole (very necessary) process of detoxing from inadequate models of church leadership and church structure to polarize and further divide the very Bride that we’re so longing to see come to maturity and health.

©2003 Rob McAlpine